Belonging to the remotest location in far off northeast state of Assam in a small village called Geleki I was born in a joint family with 88+ members including few house helps in ‘the 80-the ’90s.
We celebrated festivals together and also had our differences on many occasions. I know in today’s world we all prefer nuclear families rather than a “VIRAT” family (Joint family in Assamese). Big families sound too chaotic because of different individuals’ opinions and thought processes just like a classroom where each of us has different IQ levels. Some of us are sensitive souls, some are rigid and each family has its own set of belief systems and programming that’s been carried on from generation and generation. Let me share a glimpse of my family belief system which we have been carrying for years, well I had an anarchy and patriarchal family from the maternal side, the girls from my maternal side are not allowed to raise their voices or have opinions of their own.
But god had a different plan for me so out of the XX chromosomes in my DNA, one “X “chromosome came from a repressed side of the feminine and another X from an empowered side of the feminine as my paternal side gives the full right for women to express themselves, be themselves, and stand in their own powers so my paternal side has actresses, poets, lawyers, professors, NGO founders, lawmakers, and all the woman are very strong and empowered with identity and individuality of there own, somewhere I can say my genes are blessed to have that.
I kept juggling between these two chromosome traits for half of my life to find an identity of my own. Let me make it easier the masculine and feminine energies of mine were always trying hard to control each other within myself and the internal locha or I can say power struggle got manifested outside in all my relationships be it with family, colleagues, friendships, or people I dated. For the longest time in my life, I kept wondering what went wrong in the relationships that broke or ended without notice or proper communication. Considering my analytical mind is more active than my emotional side. I realized it’s always two for tango not just a one-sided thing.
One of the core issues which stays in life is each of us fails to express ourselves who we are and this comes from our upbringings, a lot of time people are scared to say it or discuss their traumas or childhood wounds. I have seen so many adults who upfront deny accepting that the issues they have in adulthood are coming from childhood, they get triggered due to the wounding of childhood but they are too focussed on a present adult life that they just want to blame it on the other person the most convenient way to walk away from problems rather taking ownership to deal and heal it from the core. Another core issue is we all feel ashamed to stay alone or give time to ourselves the whole thought is people will shame us calling us we are loners, who eat alone, see alone, etc another wrong belief deeply rooted inside us, and it’s sad if someone is alone lol. I have seen those a lot in my life where many people came to act like rescuers in my life or tried fixing me when in reality I never need any of that because I am someone who deeply is self-aware of my life and what I want out of it.
So, let me share some insights on why it’s very important to have communication and how to hold strong healthy boundaries in life.
While growing up often we been thought not to show tantrums and that we must act to be good and sweet role if we don’t then we are considered bad a difference that’s been created by most of the household who seeks external validation rather than allowing the child to be themselves. Parenting has different styles some parents are too focussed on disciplinary actions and punishment and some allow kids to be themselves too much strictness and control is extremely damaging to the self-esteem of the child and too much casualness can make the kids too overconfident. In adult life, have seen both sides of it in my circle and can’t blame them either, because everybody parents wanted their child good only but in a few cases we also end up passing on a few toxic traits from the family which are from the generations which are no more the right fit or required in current times. Say there was a time when the woman gave all the power to a man because the man use to be the sole bread earner and the woman was assigned to cook, take care of the kids, etc as the generation changed, our needs, lifestyles all changed now woman stated working and are taking back there powers which earlier were given to the masculine side if we take out history.
So, as the old belief systems started to fall apart we can see the outrage has caused fear, many people are afraid when a woman voice her opinion or express her choice usually we woman are considered to be the weaker ones who are expected to be puppet and dance to the tunes of man as per his needs and his ideologies, so as we started gaining back our powers the man started thinking they losing the grip so often you will see the vocal woman are either tarnished with threats and abusive words being used for her even at work place people blame it on the woman of playing victim role, etc, when the wave of # Metoo came we saw the uproar of voices uniting well. I also saw some wrong allegations that have been made too.
I also see when a man does wrong with a woman, most of us women choose to keep quiet and rather go in defending the man or take his side rather than support the woman and stand with her ?? why do we do that ?? because unconsciously if u been born in a family where woman are been taught to please man or been taught that man are superior breed than woman and they are here to protect us, etc we unconsciously choose the wrong man over the right female who probably came to tell her truth. This has led to a wrong notion that man has that they can keep doing wrong with the woman as much as they can and they won’t ever be caught, but why did that woman choose to keep quiet?? the reason was she allowed the man to change with the hope he will change his actions but did the man change?? few do and few take that privilege to keep destroying others too.
If I share in the community they all just pass a comment:
oh your drama doesn’t end?
oh you still live in past ?
oh you woman play the victim card move on, etc etc etc other layers of labeling that continues
The thing is we people dnt discuss a problem and try to keep everything under the carpet when we can be vocal and come together and at least make it happen because we always were unheard, many don’t have the courage to come up because a lot is there on the table for a woman to gulp it and the majority of it is the way society sees a woman, anything wrong goes the woman is blamed even we see in marriages where anything wrong goes the mother in law blames the daughter in law rather than coming as an ally with her supporting and loving her. Until a whole lot of women come up together as a unit, I don’t think so we can ever be able to find a position as equal in society.
Oh, ya let me come to the feminist revolution too there are some men whose testosterone gets charged up at the mention of the word “feminist” and they just want to pick up a debate and talk nonsense about anything and everything.
Instead of trying to understand the issues they just crib about ladies’ seats being offered in buses or take out some random pic that must have been shared long back in some social media forum. first of all, they should be ashamed to say this imagine a government has to interfere to give basic human rights to a woman for by allocating a woman seat which should have been a very basic right as a citizen.
The whole feminist revolution is not about proving who is better than whom its more about the woman seeking to be equal in society because we are always treated as a weaker section who are not really given the privileges that man gets easily.
Does the man bleed and stay in pain every month ?? does a man find it difficult to pee anywhere under the sky ?? No, they indeed can pee anywhere that’s why it’s written in most of the places urination is not allowed 😀
The gender inequality issue has been the most prevailing across cities, and countries and the core thing will change, I will certainly will write more on this in upcoming write-ups.
